


The Shape of You

by red_seabream



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Angst, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Love Letters, Spoilers, With a bit of fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-05-03 15:49:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 38
Words: 10,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14572341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/red_seabream/pseuds/red_seabream
Summary: Love letters from a spectre to a ghost





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Unable to perceive the shape of you, I find you all around me. Your presence fills my eyes with your love, it humbles my heart, for you are everywhere (The Shape of Water, 2017)
> 
> Spoilers for S4 ahead.

Kanan, my love. I can’t believe this is happening. That I’m still here without you. That you’re gone.

No. Not gone. I still can’t quite get there.

You told me once the Jedi believe that we never truly lose anyone; that they transform into the Force that surrounds us all. That they are always with us, then.

Did you believe that too? Are you still with me now? Because we still need you.

I still need you.

I can’t pretend that I’d never thought about it. About… this. Living and fighting in a war has that effect on you. I’ve lost people before. So have you. But this pain is like nothing else. I feel it in ways I’d never imagined. It _hurts_. It hurts in every part of me and the grief if crushing. I feel it pressing on my chest, making it hard to breathe. I feel it in my bones, making it hard to move.

But I know I have to keep doing both. Breathing. Moving. Living. I have to keep fighting. And I will. I won’t let your sacrifice be in vain.

I can still hear your words from a lifetime ago: _we’ll see each other again. I promise_.

I’m still holding you to that, love. Please wait for me.

H


	2. Chapter 2

I suspect that it’s just the grief talking, but I can still feel you sometimes. And I’m clinging to that at this point, so I don’t care if it’s true or not.

The fight is everything to me now. The fight, and the kids. I worry about them so much more now. I don’t think I could live through another loss like that. Like you.

I’m trying not to smother them. I’m sure it doesn’t seem like it to them, but I am trying. And they’re so patient with me. Everyone is. Which, honestly, makes it even worse. I wish I could just hide in the shadow-skin of my old life for a while. I know we didn’t see eye to eye about General Hera but I could really use her confidence right now.

I love you, Kanan. I do, and I have for a long time and I hope that deep down, you knew that long before the end. I know things have been… different for us lately. But whatever we were working through didn’t change how I feel. It just made me love you more – your dedication, your loyalty, your ability to see connections and solutions. The way you made me feel: like the best version of myself. A woman who could achieve anything she set her mind and her heart to.

I should have told you, but I was afraid. Afraid of something like this. And now I think… if I’d held back just one more time… I never would have had the chance to say it at all. And that thought terrifies me. It makes me feel sick.

So I love you. I have loved you. I will love you. If you’re still here, if you still feel me the way I feel you, please know that.

I hope that you always knew, deep down. I hope I told you in the things I did, even when I couldn’t say the words.

You will always be close to my heart.

H


	3. Chapter 3

I can’t feel you anymore, my love. I stood for hours on top of that temple medallion, hoping for… something. Anything.

Hoping for you.

But Ezra says you’re really gone now. And I feel that emptiness inside my bones. Like I’m all hollow inside now. Brittle.

Like I’m walking around with a gaping hole where my heart used to be.

Where my future used to be. Our future. I know that’s not fair to the kids, but yes, I did think about it. About us.

Of course I did.

Kanan, I’m still here. If you’re still here too please stay with me.

Please. I’m not ready to face this on my own.

Please, love.


	4. Chapter 4

Lothal is free. Lothal is _free_!

But…

Ezra’s gone. Ezra is _gone_. Another crushing blow. I’ve failed you, my love. I couldn’t keep him safe.

Now he’s out there, somewhere. Still. I believe that. I have to. We all do, even as we ignore the pitying looks from some of the others. I can’t explain it, but I can feel it in my heart. Is that what it was like for you? Feelings you can’t quite explain but are so much more than anything you can touch?

He was so strong and brave, Kanan. And he wanted so badly to be like you. I wasn’t there for him the way I should have been. I was too caught up in myself and I would do anything to have him back, to make it up to him. 

I’m so proud of him. I know you are too. He wanted this so badly, worked so hard for this, and he got it. But the price was so very, very high for those of us left behind. We’re still waiting for the Empire to bring the heavy end of the ‘spanner down on us. We’re still waiting for him to come home.

Watch over him, love. Wherever you both are now.


	5. Chapter 5

Kanan, I’m pregnant.

I thought it was just stress – I’ll admit, I haven’t been taking the best care. But the medical droids confirmed it.

Did you know? When you looked at me, I saw something in your eyes. Did you know what you were protecting with your last breath?

Is that what you wanted to tell me?

I’m scared, love. More afraid than I have been in a long time. And yet, so filled with joy at the thought of this new life. Of this last little piece of you.

I know we talked about it. Joked about it, more like. Because it’s absurd to imagine a galaxy at peace, to settle down in. I wanted that with you. So badly. It breaks my heart all over again that you can’t be here. This little one definitely has your sense of timing.

Rex came to me. He’s surprisingly perceptive, for an old timer, but I suppose he hasn’t lived this long by keeping his eyes down instead of up-front. He says he knew a brother that had children with a Twi’lek woman during the Clone War. Beautiful, happy, healthy children.

This could happen. This is real. I’m still crushed under this avalanche of grief, but this one little spark has brought me light.

Watch out for us, love. 

H


	6. Chapter 6

I’ve been thinking about my parents a lot. I think I understand my father better now. After my mother died he was consumed by the fight, by anything to fill that void. War was a drug for him, a balm. And I resented him for it, for ignoring what she’d left behind. I understand him now, but I won’t make the same mistake. When the time comes, I won’t turn away from the peace we fought for.

I hope you know that. That you always knew that. I know we argued about life after… it’s not that I didn’t want it or hope for it or dream about it. It was just so hard to picture sometimes. So important not to lose focus.

But there’s nothing more important to me than our family. I promise you I will nurture ours with the same love that I protect it with. How we fight is as important as what we fight for. I won’t lose sight of that, even though there are days that it’s so, so tempting to get lost in it all.

There’s just so much to do. Each and every single day. It’s exhausting, but at least when I’m exhausted I can sleep at night.

I still dream about you, sometimes. Almost always happy dreams, for which I’m grateful – even if I do still wake up crying. Sometimes, in the quiet of the dark, I can still feel your arms around me. I can lean back into your warmth and feel your heartbeat against my back. It’s never for very long, but I cherish those moments.

I miss you, love. So very much.

H 


	7. Chapter 7

I’m so angry at you sometimes. It’s cruel and stupid and I always feel so guilty after… but how could you? How could you leave us alone like this? When I need you. When I’m so afraid.

How could you leave without meeting your son?

The medical droids confirmed that I’m having a healthy baby boy. Or I will, if the Empire doesn’t get to us first. It’s gotten bad, love. Desperate in ways I could have never predicted. There are rumours… awful rumours, and they’re threatening to tear the entire Alliance apart. There is so much fear everywhere, and it’s making people act out. I can feel its hooks in me too.

Yet the Empire still hasn’t come for Lothal. We don’t know if it means that they won’t…or if they’re saving something really big for us. I suspect the latter.

I hate that your son will never get to know you, and sometimes that feels like hating you, a little. And that hurts, like acid poured into this wound that I carry around with me each and every day. Bearing that weight, alone.

Bearing your son. Alone.

How could you abandon me when I love you so deeply? Didn’t you know what it would do to me? Did you really think I was strong enough to get through this without it fracturing some deep-down pillar of me?

Maybe someday I can dream of being that strong, but I’m not there yet. The darkness is still closing in all around us.

You were my beacon. The rest is just the void.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone for the comments and kudos! I'm glad we can all suffer through this angstfest together.

My love, I can feel your son inside me. Just little flutters for now – and he better keep the Jedi acrobatics in check until he’s on the outside. I'm serious. The droids say that human babies are generally larger than Twi'leks, so it's going to be a tight fit.

I never knew it would be like this. That it would feel like this. No one tells you. How could they, when there are no words that truly describe this mix of joy and terror and hope.

Sometimes I… feel things. Deeply. Not like you and Ezra but… maybe a little like that. And the dreams I’ve been having. Pictures and sounds and place and people I’ve never been and never met. I can’t tell if it means something more or if it’s just stress and hormones.

Maybe it’s your son reaching out through me, trying to make sense of this galaxy before he even gets here. I’m trying to remind myself to cherish these moments we have together – just him and I.

And you, of course, love.

Always you too.

H

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not exactly sure where it started, but this chapter is inspired by the theory I saw posted somewhere that mothers of Force-sensitive children get some of their abilities while pregnant. So thanks to whoever dreamed that up!


	9. Chapter 9

Before you hear it from anyone else… I had a bit of a fall today.

I’m fine. Everything is fine. The baby is _fine_. Everyone please stop worrying about it. Everyone _please_ stop hovering.

Turns out carrying a baby in front of you all the time really throws off your balance. Especially on starships that are making a quick get-away.

But I’m fine, we’re fine, and _yes_ I had a droid look me over and give me the all-clear. I jarred my wrist catching myself on the ladder, but it’s nothing a bit of light-duty won’t cure.

So if someone could tell that to the Empire, I’d really appreciate it. (The droid said my blood-pressure is a bit high)

I wish I had someone – someone real – to talk to about all of this. I miss that the most, love. Just… talking. About everything. Working things out, together. You always understood me. All of me. I could use that now that everything is turned upside down.

I’m going to rest now. Another thing no one tells you – you think war is exhausting? Try being pregnant. Try being pregnant in a war. I think of all the mothers who came before me, all the other mothers out there now who are living and fighting with even less than I have, and I’m truly humbled.  

I hope I’ll dream of you, that you’ll know I’m not lying when I tell you we’re all alright.

H


	10. Chapter 10

Sabine found me a datapad of Jedi teachings. I didn’t ask where. Or how. It’s not a holocron – it’s not a specific Master’s teachings. It’s not essays… I don’t think it was written for Jedi. I think it is for people like me – those of us on the outside looking in.

It’s old and it’s definitely dated. But it’s comforting to imagine back to a time when they made things like this. And at this point I’ll take anything to give me an edge. If our son has something of you in him, something of the Force, I want to be ready to help him.

I’ve started meditating. I don’t think I’m very good at it.

Don’t laugh. I know it’s ridiculous. I _feel_ ridiculous doing it. But only at first; once I drop into my breath I can stop feeling anything for a few moments and that’s… well that’s as close to bliss as I get these days.

When everything is quiet, I can feel our son inside of me. Not just physically, but… almost a sense of him. I couldn’t before, but now that I’m into the final term it’s… different. He’s close.

And he loves spicy food. Definitely _my_ kid.

(Sorry love, I lied – I really was humouring you that time on Raltiir)

Meditation makes me feel closer to you too. I think I understand you a little more now, you and Ezra and what you felt. I can’t feel even a shade of it, but I think I understand it better. Honestly, I don’t think I truly wanted to before – I liked the mystery. The legends. And it was still so tentative with you for a long time, I was afraid if I looked too hard you’d hide it all away again.

I think I understand myself a little more each time too.  

_Emotion, yet peace_. I’m getting there.

H

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to imagine that in this galaxy far, far away (like in our galaxy) there would be all kinds of self-help books and products... and maybe some of them would be Jedi inspired. And maybe even after Order 66 if you dug around at a garage sale or something you could still pick one up.


	11. Chapter 11

Is it stupid to feel ugly while there’s a war going on?

Because I feel ugly. And huge and awkward and like a stranger in my own body. And none of my clothes fit properly anymore and everyone keeps looking at me and talking to me and giving me unsolicited advice and telling me how wonderful it all is.

But I don’t feel wonderful. I feel so alone and afraid and unsure sometimes. And even when I feel alright, I still have to stay close to a refresher because your huge baby is settled right on top of my bladder.

And I have to trust Chop and Sabine to do all of the heavy-lifting fixes on the _Ghost_ which you _know_ I hate.

People treat me differently now and it's just one more reminder that things _are_ different now. That they always will be.

I just have to keep reminding myself that I’m grateful. I’m grateful for this chance to carry a part of you into the galaxy. I’m grateful (my back hurts). I’m grateful (my feet hurt). I’m grateful…


	12. Chapter 12

Kanan, our son is already so loved. I wish you were here to feel it. I know you had unloved moments in your life, scared and alone and on the run with no one to turn to and nowhere to go. I wish you could be here to feel the love that our son will be born into.

We’ve made a little nursery on Lothal. _The_ _Ghost_ will always be home, but I want him to have some stability too. To be able to run and feel the warmth of a sun on his skin. I’m not sure I can guarantee a normal life, but I want him to have quiet places he can return to when he needs to.

Sabine painted it, of course. It’s beautiful, love. The colours are so bright and whimsical you can’t help but feel your heart soar.

Zeb found a crib and a rocker for me to sit in, lovingly restored from wherever he pulled them out of.

Kallus brought blankets and towels. All soft and worn and mended, but clean. He blushed and admitted he asked a mother in the market with a swarm of younglings around her what she’d recommend.

And Chopper… somehow he found a little white stuffed lothwolf. No one gives him enough credit, but I can always depend on him. And even you can admit he’s surprisingly good with babies.

It won’t be much longer now. I’m anxious and so very excited about what comes next. I’m trying not to hold my breath.

Breathe with me, love. Find your centre again right here.


	13. Chapter 13

Kanan, meet your son – Jacen Syndulla. 

He’s perfect. Just perfect. And I love him so much. I know you do too. I swear I felt you all around me as he came into this life. It wasn’t an easy birth, but now that I’m through it the pain is just a memory, and fading fast (though of course there are still places that ache).

Did you ever imagine a love like this? I’d never even comprehended it.

I wish you could feel it, all around us. Everyone beams when they see him. Everyone has been so kind. So patient. So generous. He is so safe and so loved in this family.

Our family.

He’s more like you than like me. Twi’lek babies are smaller, but your son is big and strong and _hungry_.  

He has big, bright blue eyes. Not quite as bright as Ezra’s, but darker than yours. And green hair – just so there’s no mistaking who is mother is. I still don’t really understand how all of the genetic mechanics work, but the medical droid checked him out and he’s perfectly healthy.

He’s perfect. I can’t stop thinking it. With his perfect little hands and perfect little feet and perfect little squished up face.

Thank you, my love, for this gift. For this chance at something beyond fighting. I couldn’t see it for myself, and it breaks my heart that you’ll never get to see it at all, but I promise you I will make the most of it.

We love you,

H&J


	14. Chapter 14

My love, I’m sorry I haven’t had time to write. There’s barely been time to eat or sleep or do any of the hundred things that I somehow used to fit into a single day.

Some days I wish I had gone back to Ryloth to give birth. To have that support around me, around us. It’s… a lot. Everyone helps where they can and I appreciate it so much, but we’re all new to this and learning as we go. And there is a _lot_ to learn. All the thousands of parenting datapads in the galaxy can’t teach you about _your_ baby.

And of course, there’s still the war going on.

Things have gone from bad to worse. I know we had some low moments and some close calls, but living under the full brunt of the Empire’s wrath is something else. They are hunting the Rebellion and they are getting better and better at it.

We had a close call at Scarif. I’ve been sticking close to home, like I promised that I would. I honestly thought it would be nothing but a quick supply run to Yavin to pick up the latest news and some extra battery packs. Just a quick chance to take a break and have a few moments to fly. To feel like Hera instead of Mom, just for a few hours.

I wasn’t suspecting what I walked into. I wasn’t prepared. I don’t think anyone was.

They call it the Death Star, and it’s a planet killer. And it’s already killed so many. It killed Saw Gerrera. We barely made it out but… we did. Somehow we did, when so many others didn’t. I’m holding onto that right now.

Leia Organa has been captured. I trust her and I know she’s strong, but… how do you fight something like that? A monster that devours entire planets? I know firsthand what it’s like at the hands of the Empire as they try to pry something out of your head. May the Force be with her. The Force and anything else that gives her strength.

So much makes sense now. Remember that giant kyber crystal? I read in the Jedi datapad that they sing when they find the Jedi they are in tune with. Whatever is powering that thing must be screaming now.

Does yours still sing, wherever it lay now?  

I hate leaving at this desperate hour. It feels like running and hiding instead of standing up to fight. Like turning my back on everything I was raised to believe. But I know this is the right call. Jacen is still so young. I can’t take the risk.

I promised you I would protect our family, and I will. Until my last breath, I will protect them. The same as you did. I’m trying not to give in to the fear, not to let Jacen feel that in me when I hold him close.

He smiles now, and coos when he’s happy. A bright spot in all this darkness.

We’re back here on Lothal. All of the Spectres. Holding our breath. It’s a hard place to be sometimes, full of wandering ghosts, but I still feel close to you here. You were right; there’s something about this place, something that keeps drawing us back to it. I feel the pull even more strongly now, in some deep part of me.

I don’t know what happens next, but we’ll face it together.

May the Force be with us all.


	15. Chapter 15

They killed Alderaan. They have dissolved the Senate and killed Alderaan.

An entire planet. Gone.

Jacen screamed. I’ve never heard a sound like that. The sound of a heart breaking with no filter at all. I could only hold him as he sobbed himself into exhaustion. I didn’t understand it at the time, but as the reports started filtering in I think it adds up. I can’t even imagine how it must feel for someone still so small and new, but I’ll always remember how helpless I felt.

My whole heart aches for Ezra too. All alone out there somewhere. He always felt so much. And for all of the other children who have no way to understand the new pain they carry.

The intel is still sketchy, but we’ve been warned off Yavin. If the Empire comes now it’s coming down hard. We’re all climbing the walls here, anxious and afraid and impotent.  

Why destroy an _entire_ planet? What does that accomplish? What's the point of an empire of dust and ash?

And is it coming here next? Lothal has been far more defiant than Alderaan.

Guilt is scratching and clawing at the door, ugly and raw. We tried to help these people, but what if we only made them a target? I know it’s pointless to head down that hyperspace lane, but with nothing to do but sit around and worry my mind is spooling for the jump.

Sometimes I’m glad you don’t have to see what’s become of the galaxy. (And every other minute I wish you were still here beside me trying to make sense of it.)

I’m torn – if the danger will be here next, then we must leave. But this is our home – where else can we go? There are so few safe places left.

I think of all the people out there who lost their families, who can never go home again, and my chest seizes up. There has to be something we can do. I can’t let this be the galaxy our son grows up in.

But the _Ghost_ is packed, just in case. Packing is a completely different affair with a baby, but I think I’ve got everything we would need. Worst case scenario, we can system hop for a while.

We’ll run when we need to and fight when we can. That much, I know you understand, love.

_Chaos, yet harmony_. I’m trying to see the bigger pattern in all of this destruction, I’m just not sure it exists anymore. Can you see it from where you are?

H


	16. Chapter 16

It truly was a Death Star. A moon-sized space station capable of destroying entire planets.

Thankfully, it was as short-lived as it was terrible. For the first time in a long time it feels like something has gone our way.

The Empire decimated our fleet, but we made them feel it. They underestimated us and we took their prize right out from under them.

_That_ is what we’ve been fighting for. But we’re not done yet.

They say it was just a kid that took the shot. That he didn’t even use his targeting computer, he just… _felt_ it. The rumours say that he’s the son of a Jedi who was killed in the war. That the Force was with him. With all of us. But I don’t know – honestly, the fanfare mill is working overtime on that poor boy.

It would make for a nice story though, wouldn’t it?

For now we need to find a new base. We need to rebuild our fleet and our squadrons. We need to grieve and to celebrate.

It’s not quite peace, not quite freedom. Not yet. But I’ll take it.

I love you,

H


	17. Chapter 17

You would absolutely hate it, but the person I’ve come to lean on the most is Kallus.

It had to be someone, love. I really can’t do this on my own the way I thought I could. I just get so… tired. In every part of me. Like… before, struggling against the grief, but also not at all like that. That exhaustion is crushing, like being buried under a hundred thousand tonnes of stone. So heavy you can't move. This is… elastic. Just when I feel I’m at the end of my reserves, I find I can stretch myself a little further for our son.

But I shouldn’t. I don’t think that it’s good for either of us.

So, enter Kallus.

And, despite everything, I trust him. And I’m so grateful because there are so many human male things that I just don’t understand. So many human things, period.

I don’t think it’s that Kallus is particularly good with babies, so much that he knows what the warning signs are when someone has gone too long without uninterrupted sleep.

(Thanks Imperial interrogation techniques).

They shine on each other, and it’s sweet. Even if it does hurt to see your son snuggled in the arms of another man. That was another shiv between the ribs that I wasn’t expecting.

No one tells you how painful motherhood can be. They tell you that childbirth is painful (and it is), but they leave out the what-comes-after part. They leave out that a part of your heart is now out there in the galaxy, small and vulnerable and likely to make mistakes and get hurt and into all kinds of trouble. And you’ll still be here, watching and feeling so, so much.

I can’t feed him myself. I’m sorry, Kanan. I am. I wanted to. I so wanted to. But something about my milk isn’t quite right, even though I’m his mother. He won’t take to it, and it’s not a battle I can win – he needs to eat. I read on the holonet about how it’s perfectly normal and perfectly fine and many human (and Twi’lek!) women can’t feed their babies – or not the entire time. But it still makes me feel like I’m wrong somehow. Inadequate. I just want the best for him, and I'm not enough.

Oh well. I should be used to inadequacy by now. The great General Hera brought low by... well, so many little things that I've lost track. Big things too, love.

I’m going to sleep now, and I hope I’ll dream of you again. There’s still so much to tell you.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I tell your son every day, to make up for the times I didn’t tell you.

H


	18. Chapter 18

My love… I’ve been having such a hard time. Since you went away. Since you left us.

Since you died in fire.

I was able to put it away for a while (or at least I tried to) but I still have bad days. Bad weeks. They settle in like bad weather. Like the smell of fuel and smoke soaked into your clothes and your skin; always there when the wind shifts in just a certain way.

Watching you die. Watching you die like _that._ I still can’t get my head wrapped around it. I can’t get right with it and I’m not alright. I’m not sure I ever will be. I can admit that now, if only just to you. I close my eyes and I see yours, that beautiful, heartbreaking blue against a backdrop of flame. I feel the press of that invisible wall against me as I struggle with everything I have to get to you.

I thought time would help – everyone said it would – but there are still some sounds, some smells that trip me up. That take me back there and rip me wide open. The fear and the pain is so real it’s like having to relive it over and over again. I feel it in my chest and it _hurts_. It still hurts like new; the pain hasn’t faded at all. The pressure of that remembered wall of your will is suffocating.

We ruptured a fuel line on a run last week and the smell of it seized me up. My heart just stopped. The whole galaxy just _stopped_. Sabine was there – thank the stars for her – but if it had been me on my own I’m not sure what would have happened. I could have died. Maybe I was supposed to; maybe my death was there on that fuel tank and now it’s out there haunting me.

Maybe this is just how it will be for me, from now on. The fear and the pain just out of sight but always tender. My burden to bear.

I deserve that. I know I do. That and worse.

It’s my fault. I know that, too. It’s my fault you’re dead. My fault that you died so horribly. My own fault I’m here alone now. The only reason you were there was for me. Saving me from my own foolish crusade.

Did you know? Is that what you wanted to tell me? Did you know you would die and came for me anyway? Oh stars, I don’t know if my broken heart can handle that.

I’m so sorry Kanan. I’m so sorry for what I took from you. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.


	19. Chapter 19

My love, I see so much of you in our son. He’s growing so quickly, and he’s so curious about the galaxy around him.

He’s trouble. He gets that from you, I’m sure. He can crawl now so we had to sweep the _Ghost_ for anything at knee height that can be pulled down or bashed into. Turns out that’s a lot of things… Jacen is still finding the ones we missed.

It’s not quite Jedi premonition, but I think I’m getting a mom-sense for impending trouble.

Jacen is thriving here on Lothal. I wonder if he can feel a connection to this place, too. This place that you and Ezra gave so much to free. We all did.

We haven’t seen the wolves, but I think I hear them sometimes. I like to think of them out there, still watching over us, still protecting their home, and now ours too.

The people here are worth it. They can be so kind. An older woman stopped us in the market the other day. Jacen was throwing up a fuss and I had my arms full and she came over and spoke to him and calmed him down and gave me this utterly knowing, sympathetic look. Her children are long grown, but the pact of motherhood runs deep, it seems.

Those are the kind of sweet, normal moments we’re still fighting for. For everyone.

I think Jacen is… like you. Like you and Ezra, at least a little. And I have no idea what to do. How do I keep him safe? I’ve been scouring the black market for anything I can find, but as you know, the Empire is nothing if not thorough.

I will find a way, love. I promise you. This gift will not be squandered. I treasure everything you’ve ever given me.

H


	20. Chapter 20

Move over Kallus, Jacen has a new favourite – Zeb. I think it’s his eyes; they’re so bright and colourful, they can be a bit entrancing.

And Zeb… Zeb is smitten and protective and full-blown terrified. But he’s so patient with him, so unruffled by the tantrums.

(And there have been a lot of tantrums lately)

They make quite the pair. You would absolutely love it.

You might think that living in a literal warzone might have prepared us for the rigours of raising a child, but you’d be wrong. There’s nothing quite like it.

He fills my heart with so much joy. The emptiness is still there, the pain of not having you here is still so sharp. One doesn’t overwrite the other, but somehow I can hold both inside of me.

You are not forgotten, love. Our family is strong and you will always be a part of it.

H


	21. Chapter 21

You would hate Hoth.

I hate Hoth.

We all hate Hoth.

It is a literal frozen hell. We’re hoping that’s enough to keep the Empire away for a time.

Jacen loves the snow – there’s enough of it still piled up inside that he can play in it.

Yes – it’s that cold… there is snow on the inside of the base. A base made of snow. I’m not sure I’ve ever missed the high, hot seasons of Ryloth more.

I don’t bring him with me often – that business with Scarif really hammered home how tentative this all is. But this is me. This is us. Our whole life together. Bases and supply runs and coordinating and just pitching in where we can. I can’t just leave Jacen on Lothal to ignore what’s going on out here, even though there’s a part of me that would very much like to shield him from all the horrors the galaxy has to offer. To give him a normal life.

But what’s a normal life anyway, anymore? It’s not like either of his parents would even know where to start. The grandson of a revolutionary and the son of a Jedi and a not-half-bad pilot… I think he’s destined for extraordinary things.

(And of course, I would)

I want him to know all the wonderful things the galaxy has to offer. I want to take him to the places we visited together.

Well… perhaps not all of them.

Find us there again, love, in between the memories. I’ll meet you there.

H


	22. Chapter 22

My father is here for a visit. Taking a break from the war to meet his grandson and to, as always, try my patience. Love, I could use some of that Jedi calm if you know of any to spare.

I love them both, of course. Of _course_. And I’m happy to see how happy they make each other – I’m not sure I’ve heard my father laugh like that since my mother died.

But it’s a special kind of tension that grates between parenting styles. Like Cham has any right to critique. Maybe he just disapproves of whatever I do out of habit now. (Maybe I’m just defensive out of habit now too.)

Sometimes I think about your parents. I’d never really considered it before – it was such common knowledge that Force-sensitive children went to live at the Temple and train. The Force is such a wonderful gift – who would question learning how to harness it? Their wisdom and dedication was legendary. But your parents must have been heartbroken to have their baby taken away, to know that they’d never get to know him and the great things he would do.

I wonder if they’re still out there somewhere, just living through the rest of their lives with an empty space where their child used to be. 

If I could meet them, I’d have so much to tell them. But maybe I’d let Jacen show them about you instead. About everything you were and are to us: Jedi, pilot, (scoundrel), teacher, friend, father… and the greatest partner I could have ever asked for. 

And before your ego gets too big, just remember I have plenty of unflattering stories tucked away too.

Grant me strength, my love. I’m headed back into the fray with Cham.

H


	23. Chapter 23

Kanan,

I’ve been teaching Jacen about meditation. Or trying to. Some days are easier than others; some days he just can’t sit still.

But on other days we enjoy these precious, quiet moments together.

I don’t feel it the way I used to, when I was carrying him, but there’s still a connection there. And taking a few minutes here and there to just breathe… I think it’s good for both of us.

He’s so intuitive. I don’t know if it’s the Force or if it’s just Jacen but he always seems to know what people need.

You’d be so proud, love.

Sometimes I struggle with how much to tell him about you. There’s so much to say and he’s still so young.

He asked about you today. Where you are and why it’s not here with us. I’ve been dreading the moment, running through a thousand scenarios in my mind even before he was born.

Where to start on the topic of the love of your life?

I told him you were a Rebel, like us. Part of our crew – a Spectre. And that I was in trouble and you came to save me. But there was an accident and you didn’t make it home. That you saved us – me and him and all the rest of us.

He seemed to understand, but I know there will be more questions. The sad reality is that most of his friends in the neighbourhood have a similar story in their family. The Empire was hard on Lothal for those years – few families are untouched by tragedy. 

Sabine painted a mural with all of the Spectres, the way we used to be when we were whole. So your son knows your face. That’s her gift. Mine is to help him know your bravery and your heart. At least, that’s what I hope to do.

I told him that you’re always with us. In our hearts and in the small things we do to keep your memory and your spirit alive. That much I never question.

You still lift me up, love. I know you always will.

H


	24. Chapter 24

Kanan, if I don’t come back: I love you, and I’m sorry. I know you’ll be angry, but please trust that I wouldn’t do this if there was another option.

They’re building another Death Star, and we have to stop it before it’s finished. Because there won’t be any unguarded exhaust ports this time around. And if we don’t stop it, I know it’s only a matter of time before they come for Lothal. For our home.

So I have to go to Endor. And I can’t take Jacen because it’s just too dangerous. And I’m risking orphaning our son and please don’t think I’m not torn to shreds on this. Please don’t think my heart isn’t absolutely broken thinking of him all alone. Please don’t think that I don’t hate this with every fibre of my soul.

I carried him, Kanan. He’s _everything_ to me. I promised to keep him safe – I would give my life for that. I know you understand that much. I’m not doing this lightly.

I’ve asked Kallus to stay behind with him. If I don’t come back, I think they have the best chance together. Jacen could pass for his son – they could get out of the system and run for it until… well, until whatever happens next after that.

Sabine could do it too (they have matching hair half of the time anyway…), but I can’t ask it of her. She’d just try to find a way to sneak into the thick of it anyway. To help remotely somehow. Something dangerous. Something unpredictable. I can’t be worried about it now.

(And we need her talents front and centre).

For all his faults, Kallus understands duty. I trust him to do what he swears to do – to keep our baby safe if the worst comes to pass. He’s strong and he’s resourceful. He still has that Courscanti accent and can dig up that old authoritative Imperial bearing. Jacen will be safe with him.

If we’re being honest, if the worst comes to pass, he’ll be safer with Kallus than he will be with me – his filthy, alien mother.

He knows what Jacen’s favourite story is, and the song I sing to him before bed when he’s upset. And how to cut the meiloorun so he’ll eat it.

Please watch over them, love. And if I see you soon, we can keep vigil together.

No matter what happens, I love you – always.

H


	25. Chapter 25

Well, love, I’m still here.

We… won?

No. Not quite. There’s no winning in war and this one is no different. Not after everything we’ve lost. Everything that was lost on both sides, to be fair.

But we’ve broken them, maybe irreparably.

The Emperor is dead – killed in his own contraption, by his own arrogance. It’s… it’s still hard to wrap my head around. There is so much joy and so many celebrations but I just feel… well, I think it’s relief. It’s been so long it’s hard to recognize.

I wish you could be here, love. You and Ezra and everyone else we lost along the way. My heart aches with it.

There’s still plenty of work to do. Coruscant is a long way from here. But right now I think we all just need a little time to celebrate and process.

Rex says I need to speak with Leia Organa. That she knows someone who might be able to help Jacen. Someone who’s trying to bring back the Jedi. Who calls himself one.

A man who brought down not one Death Star, but two so… maybe he’s the real deal after all.

That’s all a lot to take in right now, with everything else going on. But I have to at least try.

If there’s a chance he can help Jacen, I have to try.

It took so long… a lifetime in so many ways, but our new dawn is here. I’m going to go sit in the warmth for a little while.

You were part of this, my love. I hope you can feel the gratitude all around.

H


	26. Chapter 26

I met with Leia Organa’s Jedi friend.

Kanan, he’s just a kid. Ezra’s age now, maybe. Trying to act wise, but looking lost in the scale of what he’s trying to take on: rebuilding the Jedi Order.

Skywalker is his name. It sounds familiar, but then most Tatooine names have that same catchy ring. Skywalker. Darklighter. Sandskimmer. I’m going to ask my father. He’ll remember from the Clone Wars.

Ezra had you, but I don’t think this kid’s really had anyone to teach him.

I can’t trust my baby with him. I doubt he’s even heard the word ‘padawan.’

I wish Ezra were here. Sabine’s been searching, calling in favours from all sectors, but I’m not sure I’m ready to let myself hope. Those wounds are only just starting to heal for me, the scars still tender and pink.

I would trust Ezra. He’s young too, though both he and Skywalker have the same sad eyes that are old beyond their years. Ezra carried so much of you with him. I wish he were here to pass some of it on to our son.

If you can, please help guide him home to us, love.

There is so much of that side of you I never could wrap my mind around. It was tender for you for a long time, I think, so we spent so many years not really talking about it. But I know you had conflicting thoughts on the Jedi Order, given the way it all ended up. I hope there’s a way to learn from the past. To take what was good and put the rest to bed. I’m just not sure someone who never experienced it, who didn’t see it fall, will know what to take and what to leave.

Either way, we’ve got a bit of time. Skywalker will need some time to prepare his Academy.

In the meantime, I’m going to keep searching. Keep learning. Keep guiding Jacen any way that I can.

May the Force be with us, and with you, love.

H


	27. Chapter 27

Kanan,

I think our son is starting to look more and more like you.

Maybe more and more like that other you – Caleb Dume. The you that you were before you let that big Trandoshan bash your nose in and didn't bother to get it fixed properly. I know you said it helped you dodge Imperials, and maybe that's true, but sometimes I can't help but wonder.

(Not that I didn't like the edge that it gave you)

He’s got my eyes though, I think. Even if they are that deep-sea blue. I wonder if that comes from one of your parents – I like to think so, that there’s a golden thread that reaches back from him, through you and beyond.

He’s tall for his age, and lanky. That’s from you too. His clothes don’t fit for very long, which is fine since he usually wears something out within a few weeks anyway. He loves to explore and take things apart and isn’t afraid of getting dirty or asking questions. Remind you of anyone?

He has friends here, at school and in the neighbourhood. Sometimes they come over for a snack or a meal and to run around and laugh and play.

It’s so… _normal_. And that’s so strange to me.

I wonder if this is what Ezra was like when he was that age. Before he lost his parents and had to learn to be hard. Just… carefree and sweet and young. So, so young and still untouched by all the grief that’s out there.

This was worth fighting for, love. It still is – for all the children out there who still live in hunger and fear. Someday I hope we can reach them all.

Love,

H


	28. Chapter 28

Jacen found your lightsaber.

I don’t understand how that’s possible, but I’d know it anywhere. Is this what people mean when they talk about the will of the Force? Was he always meant to find it? We all looked for it, hoping to find that one last piece of you, but couldn’t. Maybe that was for the best, since it forced us to focus on all the little pieces of you that we carry with us.

I’d let it go a long time ago. It was too hard to think of it sold on the blackmarket as a trophy. Or stripped for parts and the crystal.

Jacen says they were playing in an old viaduct (which I scolded him appropriately for) when he heard it sing to him.

Your legacy found its way home, love.

He’s still far too young for a weapon like that, of course. I know at the Temple padawans would have already been training for years - but this isn’t the Temple. That isn’t our galaxy anymore - it doesn't exist anymore. He doesn’t have anyone to teach him. And he’s _young_. Younger than we were at that age. Sabine offered to share what she learned from you, when the time comes. He’ll need that and more, I’m afraid.

But I let him keep it in his room. I think it brings him… comfort? Inspiration? I’m not sure. But it’s a piece of you, and I feel better just having it near.

I just wish I could hear it sing too.

H


	29. Chapter 29

Sabine is leaving. She says it’s time to find Ezra and bring him home. She’s been so dedicated to Lothal, to watching over it for him.

For years I hoped that I’d wake up one day and he’d walk in the front door with that put-on swagger of his. A little older and a little wiser, but still our Ezra.

Now, I’m not so sure. A part of me is afraid of what she’ll find. He could be dead, or damaged, or worse. It’s easier to imagine him out there somewhere, happy and living his life - even if that means living it without us.

But you know Sabine.

She promised me she won’t be going alone. That she has an old contact who is going along to help her. I can’t imagine who, but she has her networks and she was never one to tell me _everything_ to begin with. I've learned not to press and push - or at least, I've learned to try not to.

Will you watch over her, love? I want so badly for her to bring him home.

It will just be Jacen and I when she goes. And Chopper, of course.

And you, _of course_.

Love you,

H


	30. Chapter 30

Jacen _loves_ to fly. He may look like you, but he’s got his mama’s skill at the pilot’s yoke.

And her love of speed – which, as a parent, is _terrifying_.

I’ve been working on fixing up an old A-wing. He’s still small enough that he can sit in my lap with me at the controls.

He’s earning his Spectre status, a little bit at a time.

Of course, he’s been Spectre Seven since the day he was born. We didn’t think too much about what that meant back then. Back then we were still Rebels, still racing around the galaxy. Still fighting.

It’s different now. There are still plenty of battles to fight, and we still pitch in where we can, but it’s different.

In some ways, rebelling is a lot easier than running things. It’s easier to be critical than to be constructive. The Empire gave everyone something to unite against – now, everyone’s got a stake and an angle and an opinion that has to be factored in.

The discussions last for days sometimes. Sometimes they last for weeks. We’re really missing that Jedi diplomacy now.

That’s why I can’t wait to get that A-wing up and running. Can’t wait to be up there again, racing against the stars.

Just me and my destiny and our boy.

See you up there, love.

H


	31. Chapter 31

Skywalker came back to test Jacen again. He’s changed – Skywalker, I mean. Seems like he’s really embraced the role, with the full Jedi robes and everything. They seem so vintage now, a holdover from another life. I can’t even really picture you in them, though I’m sure you would have cut a striking figure.

Not wearing them never seemed to hold you back, or Ezra. You’d let all of those trappings go a long time before I met you.

They went off together for a couple of days, back to the old temple site, I think. But when they came back he said… love, I’m sorry, he said Jacen just isn’t strong enough with the Force to be a Knight. He’ll always have great reflexes and insight, but that’s all. In the old Order there would have been a place for him to fill another role, but Skywalker’s new Academy just isn’t there yet.

I’m so sorry, my love. I know it’s my fault.

And I’m sorry because I know it’s horrible but I’m _so_ relieved. Now Jacen can choose his own path. He won’t be bound to your fate… or mine, for that matter. It’s a different galaxy now. He can be whoever, whatever he wants to be. Whatever makes him _happy_.

I know you had mixed feelings about the Jedi Order. Is this what you would have wanted? Or, in the end, would you have me guide him back along that path? After all, the Force saved us…

But it didn’t save you. Maybe I still haven’t forgiven it for that.

No matter what, he’s still your son – our son – and I won’t let him forget his roots.

Love, always,

H

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have two diverging headcanons for Jacen. In one of them he's Force sensitive and follows long that path... and someday I'd like to write about that one too. And then there's this one, which I thought would be fun to explore here. There are a lot of Jedi legacies in Star Wars... but only a few (that I know of, at least...or were, I guess they are Legends legacies now!) where someone's powers never really manifest and they've got to struggle with that.


	32. Chapter 32

So apparently I’m the worst mother ever. Yes, ever.

I caught our son sneaking out his bedroom window to go try and look for loth-wolves in the middle of the night with his friends. Sneaking because I told him he couldn’t go. Because young boys never get up to anything good in the middle of the night.

Needless to say, he’s on lockdown. Re-greasing a box of spare gears for the Ghost. But he may as well be on Kessel as far as he’s concerned. Chopper is supervising. That should be punishment enough.

I know it’s just a phase. Just growing and testing boundaries and testing me and my very last nerve because I’m the only one who’s here.

And I’ve certainly been called worse. Curses and slurs.

It’s just being petty and lashing out. Using whatever you know will hurt the most. Dumb kid stuff.

But stars, does it hurt. I’ve been sick about it all day.

(He’s probably already forgotten)

I’ll survive, and we’ll be fine… sometimes it’s just so, so hard to do this alone.  


	33. Chapter 33

Ezra came home again.

Oh Kanan, I’m not sure I know the words to describe seeing him again. We wept in each other’s arms for a long time. Let the tears say what words never could.

He’s grown so much, in so many ways. There’s a calmness about him now, but one that came at a price, I think. There’s so much to tell and so much to hear - it will take time to catch up and I must admit I'm a little impatient.  _We've got time,_ I keep telling myself. I'm still working on that whole "live in the moment" thing you Jedi make look so easy.

Love, I wish you could have seen his face when he met Jacen. The joy and the wonder and the gratitude, I think, that a little piece of you survived.

Because, typical Ezra, he doesn’t see that he’s a part of your legacy too.

I’m grateful too. Seeing them together is truly a gift.

The way that Ezra moves and speaks sometimes… I never appreciated how much you learned from each other. How alike you became. Ezra still carries so much of that. So much of you.

I feel you a little nearer today. All around us, as always, but a little closer today.

Near or far, I love you always,

H


	34. Chapter 34

Ezra and Jacen have been spending a lot of time together. Ezra’s teaching him the way you taught him – not the strict, ritualistic methods of the Temple, but a little bit here and there, through example.

I’m not sure how long he’ll stay, but every moment is a gift. Ezra has always been destined for great things, but Lothal is such a big piece of him. Such a big piece of his heart.

Ahsoka came back with them. We’d never spent much time together - she always seemed so… well, aloof, I suppose. Tucked away behind the Jedi code. But now I understand that she’d just lost so much. It’s hard to keep yourself open after that. And I was a bit jealous too, of her connection through the Force to a part of you I could never quite grasp. Of her leadership, though I think now that her style would never have suited me.

She told me that she didn’t approve of you and me together. That kind of attachment was forbidden by the Jedi Order, of course. And even though the Order had rejected her, so much of it will always be with her. She’d seen another Jedi bend the rules in secret and it had brought out the worst in him. Something ugly and possessive.

But she apologized to me. To us, I suppose. She says when she thinks of us together she can see the strength in it. That it didn’t weaken you, but brought you closer to the Force.

That means a lot. Even now, after so much time.

She and Ezra spend a lot of time talking. Debating. We’ve told them about Skywalker and his new academy. Ezra seems interested but Ahsoka has reservations. She’s not convinced that a new Jedi Order built on the burned-out bones of the old one is the right path.

What would you think? The Jedi Order was a huge part of your life too - and yet, when it was taken away you found another path. One that suited you, I think. (Of course, I would). I'll always be grateful for the steps we took together, with our paths now joined - both diverted from some other course to run together.

Love, always

H

 


	35. Chapter 35

Jacen is going through a phase. At least, I think it’s just a phase.

He’s taken to dying his hair dark and it’s a bit of a one-two punch in the gut.

On one hand - he looks so much like you with his hair dyed that way. He’s not old enough for a beard yet so he looks like you at the end: clean-shaven. His jaw is a bit finer – more like mine – but it’s enough to make you look twice. He's got your height (seems like it happened overnight) but he has an awkwardness to his limbs – he’s still getting used to them and has the stubbed toes to prove it.

Still, I wasn’t expecting to turn around while making dinner one night and see you walk through the door again.

On the other hand, well, it’s just me being selfish. He already looks more like you than me… I loved his hair. It was a little part of me that made him special, amid all the parts of you that do. Now he looks almost completely human. I know that’s easier for him in so many ways but it still hurts a little. I don’t want him to forget any of his roots.

His friends all love it and I’m sure the girls do too. And it’s not like we haven’t lived with the dynamic Auntie Sabine for years and years – I _know_ it’s just hair, and it’s his hair and he’s just expressing himself. I think I can live with that.

Just not sure how I’m going to live with the black dye stains all over the ‘fresher.

H


	36. Chapter 36

Jacen is loving flight school. He has a new call-sign – Lucky. Lucky Seven. A little bit of your Jedi prowess and a generous dash of my skill – it’s not exactly luck that makes him such a genius in the cockpit. I’m so proud and so terrified all at once. He’s doing what he loves, what more can a mother ask for?

Things are so different now. There’s no war to stand up units for. His squadron will be sent to one of the mid-Rim outposts, then probably rotate through to the Outer Rim to help provide air support for the ground troops still providing relief out there.

He’s so excited. The great adventure out there.

He wears your lightsaber as a good luck charm on his belt. With his hair grown long again it makes for quite a dashing picture when he vaults out of the cockpit. You would approve. (Deny it if you like - you always did have a flair for the dramatic. Especially in your younger years.)  

Can you remember being so young? It seems like maybe we never were, growing up in one war only to fight in another one.

But if this is what we fought for, it was worth it.

Our son can grow up in a free galaxy. He can find his own path doing what he loves. Helping others. Experiencing all there is out there.

We did it, love.

We did it.


	37. Chapter 37

My love,

I’ve been thinking of you more and more lately. Specifically, the way you faced down your own death – so brave and so calm. You didn’t let it change you. Overwhelm you. I looked at you and I saw light and life right up until the end.

I hope I can find the same strength, but I’m not sure. There are just so many things, so many people, so many places to leave behind. I suppose, I just have to trust that it will all go on without me. That I did my best. Gave my all. My everything, and then some. I hate that I won’t get to finish it all, but I suppose no one does.

Can you feel me closer to you now? I’m not afraid, waiting to feel your arms around me once more.

I still love you, always.

I have loved you, always.

I will love you, always.

It’s been so long, just wait for me a little longer. We’ll see each other again.

I promise.  


	38. Chapter 38

Dad… it’s me. Jacen.

I found this journal in mom’s things. Or maybe it found me, if you like to believe in such things. I like to, sometimes.

Mom’s gone now. It was a quiet death, a soft one. As good as anyone could ask for, with her family around her.

Stars, I miss her so much.

You’re together now. Again. At long last. I believe that. I know it’s true in every deep and sacred part of me. I find some peace in that.

She had a good life – hard as it was. The war took so much from so many… it’s taking from us still.

There are grim whispers from the Outer Rim. A new darkness rising. A part of me is glad that you won’t have to see that. That mom won’t have to see what she gave so much for threatened.

I’m so grateful for everything that she gave me. And all the ways she kept you in our lives. We’ve never met, yet I would know you anywhere. I’ve felt you in my life from my earliest memories.

Take care of each other now. I’ll see you both again someday.

I love you, always. May the Force be with you.

J

 

_Unable to perceive the shape of you, I find you all around me. Your presence fills my eyes with your love, it humbles my heart, for you are everywhere_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone for all of the comments and kudos along the way - it's been a pleasure :)


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